A father that acts mysterious even with their own family
Proverbs 14:26 Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.
Bad fathers come in all races but I will be talking to black men. An African father is a mystery. An enigma wrapped inside a mystery inside of a puzzle. Either they are physically present or not, they are always missing in action. What I mean by missing in action is that they tend to be aloof. The phantoms of the opera. The bible verse above shows that fearing God, a father figure is good for everyone but a father who fears the Lord becomes a refuge to his children. A place to hide, to be comforted, to be cared for. Black men need to become a place of refuge to their children.
Not stooping down to your children’s level
Proverbs 29:23 Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in Spirit gain honour
This verse means that pride brings a person down because you are unmatched in the way you think of yourself. Be humble with your family and you gain love, compassion and togetherness.
Most black men are proud and arrogant. It’s rare to see them stoop down to their children’s level; to kneel down and walk on all fours, playing or having a girl child paint make up on them like we see on TV shows. Black families tend to exude a seriousness that is not matched. Sometimes children are silly, inquisitive and want their fathers to join them. It doesn’t take away your manliness. It just helps your child to see you as a friend, a friendly daddy whom they can be themselves around.
Carrying a dark aura
Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful
The moment they entered a household, the atmosphere shifted into this intense, scary, dark place. It’s like everybody held their breaths. Sometimes everyone ran away to their rooms the moment they heard their father’s car being parked outside. The fathers had their chair or sofa that was a one-sitter where they sat alone, sometimes with a face in a newspaper. They rarely talked to their children and wife. There was no warmth in them. It’s weird. Christ calls us to be at peace in our hearts and that will show in the auras we carry. When we carry the light of Christ, we are light and bring peace and joy to our homes.
Communicating discipline only
Proverbs 3:12 For the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
Most black fathers communicate discipline only with their children. Every communication is discipline. It starts to appear as a prisoner and warden kind of relationship. As a father, you are expected to reprove or discipline but when that is done from the point of love, it is different from a sergeant barking orders. You can delight in your children if you love them and respect them.
Most black fathers want to be feared but being feared is like being a monster under the bed. It does not make you a good father. Proverbs 17:27
No leisure activities in family homes
Psalm 118:24 This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it
Black people are reluctant to have hobbies and to do leisurely things as a family. They decided that leisure is a waste of time and hobbies are a luxury. I don’t know why. Each and every day that we live on earth, is a day that the Lord has made for us. We show our appreciation of God’s work when we enjoy ourselves. When we go out in nature, to see the beauty of what the Lord made for us and we rejoice in it.
Most family memories are built on leisure activities and hobbies. Hobbies are important and are good for you.Your creativity, joy and the other side of you shines through in them. It’s easier to bond with people during leisure or hobbies. Plus let’s be frank; most black families are boring. They don’t do anything. No walks in the park, no visiting the zoo, no lake trips, no fishing or hunting. Nothing.
Lack of show of emotion
John 11:35 Jesus wept
Big boys don’t cry. Or so the world believed in the past. But now, it has been researched and agreed on that showing emotion is not weakness. It is a sign of maturity and feeling safe. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t show emotion to people you don’t know. Black fathers rarely show emotion. There is this stone-cold fox thing that they do. There is no laughter, no smiling, no joy but opposite emotions are sort of always there like anger is their default setting. I can’t say you are showing emotion if you show anger but have always been angry. Even Jesus wept for the death of his friend Lazarus. He showed emotion on many occasions. Including when Jesus turned the tables in the temple, when he told the Pharisees off.
Lack of involvement in daily activities
Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters
Most black men don’t help with household chores.They see it as a woman’s duties. It is mainly a cultural trait but it’s changing these days, slowly slowly we are getting to the point of dividing house chores equally. However, most men still don’t get involved in daily activities at home. You get involved in your family’s nutritional values. Plus everyone else; your wife and kids will not resent you for not helping. Most women work as well these days so if you are not helping your wife in the home, are you not over burdening her with too much to do. Where is the love?
No warmth or romance towards your own wife/partner
1 John 3:18 Dear children let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth Action speaks louder than words. Show love to each other. Be an example of love in your home. Romance in black families is rarely if ever displayed. Mum and dad sit on different couches every day. You never see your father and mother kissing or holding hands. Romance becomes this thing that you see on television but it’s never modelled in front of you. Seeing your father and mother being romantic, will build children who appreciate romance as well.
Forgetting about your children from previous relationships
Psalm 103:13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him
Where is the compassion for your children? Out of sight, out of mind. There are parents, mostly fathers, that forget about their children from previous relationships. They had a baby mama or were married before and they cut ties with not just their ex but the children as well. Some black men will send alimony but that’s it. They just don’t care. They are alive but might as well be dead to the ignored children. I can’t just blame the men on this one because sometimes it’s because of the present (new) wife who wants nothing to do with children from previous relationships. To that I always say that children are always innocent. Every child deserves to have a healthy and happy relationship with their parents.
Drama with spouse in front of children
2 Timothy 2:14 Remind them of these things and charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers
Be aware of how your actions or lack thereof are giving the mainframe of love to your examples, your children. Fighting like cats and dogs in front of children is a big no no. But couples do it all the time. It is both scarring and jarring to witness your parents fighting.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins
Our communities are disenfranchised and we lack good leaders. It starts with a present, loving father. Black fathers need to know that showing that you care and love does not make you weak. Why do you want to remain a phantom with your own family? Let someone in, into your deep life and have fun. Psalm 133:1 How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity