Surviving sexual abuse

This is a hard topic to write about but it needs to be shared. It is a big deal. A lot of women who go through sexual abuse feel lonely, unheard and vulnerable. Sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone and what happened to you was not your fault. The victims of sexual abuse have gotten attention in the recent years because of the Epstein files. Most people read or watch videos about it and move on. The victims of such an ordeal have a hard time moving on. It’s a terrible thing to experience. 

People are never the same after that. The victims are usually female but can be men too. Sexual abuse happens when some evil person gets a demented view of what sex can be. Forcing someone to have sex is a big no. No means no. Sex abuse is also used as a terrorist act in wars. If you read the history of wars, you will understand that sex abuse has been used as a tool of shaming, hurting and embarrassing the victims of the losing sides of a war. The scars of sex abuse stay deep, they never truly go away. 

Most abuse is done by a relative, a family member or someone you know just like most crimes. Random attacks do happen but most cases are with someone familiar. I am a victim of sex abuse myself. I was abused just two months after burying my father. My abuser was an uncle. His wife, my cousin, came to my mother’s house during school holidays and asked my mother for me to spend holidays with her in a different city. She had a young girl about my age herself so that made sense. She told my mother that she wanted to give me some comfort as a child who had recently lost a father.

Maybe she meant well. I don’t know. But her husband abused me. I was vulnerable. I was a child who had just gone through the trauma of losing a parent. But that did not phase this nasty piss of whatever. I wanted to report to my cousin but he would tell me that no one was going to believe me. It felt dirty and confused. I was 8 years old. Paedophiles are the worst. They shatter the psyche of a child before it has a chance to grow. It messes the life of the victim forever. You grow up ashamed, scared and terrified of men. I don’t date as much as I should. It takes me a long while to trust a man. Why did it happen to me is the question I ask all the time? But there is no answer. 

Please report it to any adult that you trust and the police. It can be difficult to trust the adults around you because you know that they are dysfunctional in some ways. You can report to the police or school nurse or go to the hospital and report it. It can be hard to talk about it but it’s better to tell it so that the adults or authorities can help you. Hopefully, you are surrounded by adults or authorities that will believe you. I regret not reporting it because that man died before he could face justice. The reason that I did not report it is because I did not trust the adults that were in my life. My mother was depressed because she had lost her husband. My cousin, the wife of the abuser was herself a victim of abuse; she was being beaten nearly everyday in that house. It left me powerless because she could not even help herself, how was she going to help me? 

Victims of sexual abuse usually blame themselves by thinking things like; I was wearing a short skirt or I was in the wrong place or maybe I led them on. The truth is none of that is true. Women wear short clothes all the time and most are not victims of sexual abuse. Whatever the reason you are blaming yourself for, you were not the reason it happened. The abuser decided to abuse you and that is a fact. Instead of them protecting you or just leaving you alone, they chose the worst kind of violence that you can inflict on another person. It is the worst because the abuse is too intimate and something that should be enjoyable is being used as a weapon against you. There is no excuse for that.

If you can stay away from that individual, try to do so. Some stories of sexual abuse happen over many years especially if the abuser is a family member. It can be difficult to leave your home especially when you are young and have no income but maybe move with another relative or family member. Or even a friend. Anything is better than living under the same roof with that monster. Better yet report them and hopefully the police will do their job and put them in prison where they belong.

You should seek mental health therapy. It can help to speak to a licensed therapist. But I am a realist; mental health therapy is expensive for a lot of people. Sexual abuse can happen at any age therefore young victims cannot afford therapy. If they are lucky enough to go to court and have proper channels for aftercare, they may receive mental health therapy from the government. But what happens to those who can’t afford it? I can only tell you to go when you can afford it. It can be ten years from now, but it will still be worth it. If not therapy then maybe spiritual guidance. Spirituality is a blessing to many and a compass when you don’t know what to do next. Both therapy and spirituality are pillars of strength. Please find your pillar of strength so that you can heal.

Like I said, it is very hard to overcome sexual abuse. Why? Because your personal boundaries were crossed. Someone you did not give permission, crossed your boundaries. It hurts so much. We all have personal boundaries. When someone decides to treat you like an object or a toy, you get very angry. You feel powerless to stop them. It leaves you feeling like your personal boundaries are not important. 

Sexual abuse victims usually deal with the trauma of it alone. Most people who have been victims of sex abuse don’t want to talk about it. I understand that. They act like if they don’t talk about it then it might go away but it is just hiding scars. Some victims don’t want to talk about it because there is still a stigma against sexual abuse victims. The community, your family or the police can turn against you. They will blame you for it. Who wants to add salt to an injury? Or the abuser is a family member and you don’t want to destroy your family. The other reason is because the abuser was powerful. Powerful people get away with a lot in this world. That’s why the stories like Epstein files will keep happening. Most people confuse power with integrity. 

Sexual abuse is terrorism. When people are under constant threat that causes people to live under constant terror. Most people cannot heal from such evil. Not to mention that the abuse leads to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That is some heavy mental toll on the victim’s mind. The longer it happens, the more difficult it is to overcome. 

In this cruel, evil world of ours, there are many of us victims of sexual abuse. Whether you are ready to talk about it or have made the decision that the secret dies with you, you are not alone. You will have your reasons for however your story went but we can all agree that more needs to be done to stop this evil. There is no excuse for sexual abuse, like ever. We all know that it is about power and control but you are a strong person. You are still here and you kept going, that is winning in my mind. Be courageous and walk boldly because you overcame that which was meant to bury you. Keep going.