Married but living apart

Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 

Being married means you are part of a unity, a togetherness. When it’s nice, it’s beautiful. To live with someone you love is great joy. But life happens. Sometimes, careers force couples apart. But so too do the bad status of your marriage and wanting different things. I am just meeting more and more people who live apart but are married and it gave me a little concern. I grew up in a home where my dad worked away from home. It did not make our lives easier at all. My dad ended up dying at his job under weird circumstances and up to this day, questions are rising. Was it a good idea to work away from his family? What was the reason? That’s what I am looking at in this post.

We live in a world of money. You need a career to make that money. Sometimes, the job you want and need is far away from your current address. Some careers demand you go abroad or offshore like army, navy, charity work or working on oil rigs. You are required to be away from your spouse and children, thousands of miles away for months at a time. This can be difficult for most families. However, with support from others in a similar situation, most families thrive. What do I mean by others in a similar situation? I mean, living on an army base with other families that are going through the same can be helpful because you meet and socialise with people who understand exactly what you are going through. 

Sometimes, life happens. One part of the couple is transferred to work in a different city or town. Jobs do that, sometimes temporarily and after a few months, the man or woman can go back to their original city. However, there are times when the transfer of work becomes permanent and it is up to the couple how they want to move forward.

Most parents are driven to secure a better future for their children so they move. It can be to a new city with better schools, but sometimes it is to a new country all together. The idea that certain schools are better and they may be, drives their instinct. In my story, my dad was a principal at a school, but wanted us to attend a better school somewhere else. He was also being moved to schools every few years so he wanted stability for us. I get all that but I am not a fancy person. I would have rather lived with my dad than secure a better future that never came (more on that story later).

Adults need to keep up with their academics to get an edge over their fellow employees, to maybe one day secure a promotion or just to stay ahead of the curve in certain industries. If the course that you want to do is in another town or city, you might have to leave your partner and children for a while. 

If the state of the marriage is bad, people might look into moving to another city or town. Some even volunteer for a transfer, so that they are far away from the tension in their relationships. This helps some couples to come to a good conclusion but not all the time. 

People are moving abroad more and more these days. Due to the complicated logistics of migration, it can be impossible for the whole family to move together at the same time. I have met men and women who are here in the UK, with husbands back wherever in Africa, India and so forth. For most marriages, this is a temporary setback and the couples are working hard to be together. But I have also seen situations where the other half of the couple doesn’t join the other one. They stay married but live apart.

Human beings have needs. Most marriages fall apart when they try to live apart. Because someone ends up cheating in the relationship. To me it seems like too much of a big ask to ask someone to wait for you while you live abroad or wherever for years at a time. People miss the closeness of another person so they cheat.

I like the saying that ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. When you are apart form the one you love, you will yearn for their presence and hopefully, come to appreciate them a little bit more. I don’t know if that’s true in all circumstances . Because most people seem to be more ‘out of sight, out of mind’. Very few people have bold loyalty these days.

Like I mentioned before, my father worked far away from home and we only saw him at home on weekends, some weekends he could not even come. My mother did the best she could but having two parents at home is always better than having one. Not to mention the parents and teacher conference she missed, sports events and even doing homework with me. There was also tension at home if he missed one weekend to come home after two or three weekends. The presence of a parent is the best parenting. It’s even better than finances.

There is pressure on children to report to the ‘absent’ parent and to sometimes outperform in academia and sports to prove a point that both parents are involved in their lives. If you fail a class or don’t do well on sports, the absent parent starts to blame themself and wants you as the child to do extra well. Then there is also the idea of the parents’ marriage, the children might get caught up in the middle of some marital storm with parents that are trying ot work out their issues. 

Being together as one is always better. By the time the ‘absent’ parent comes home, it can be like learning how to behave with your dad or mum. They missed out on everything and you are having to give a report about your life instead of living your life with your dad. It is not the same thing. For example, if both your parents were on that fishing trip or hiking session, you don’t have to report what you saw, who did what, where. Every time you come together you are trying to get into the rhythm of family dynamics only for that to be gone again. 

I think they will always be married couples that live apart but how to cope with that is up to the couple. As well as giving the reason why it has to be that way. For most married couples, there is no reason for living apart except just because they can. If there are children involved, it does affect them tremendously. If there is no choice then fair enough. But if there is, please stay together as one family unity. Although some couples seem to thrive on living apart.