Losing a parent to suicide

When the world keeps moving and yours has come to a sudden jolt, you wish for the blue skies to turn blood red. Losing a parent is hard but losing one to suicide is harder. I was 8 years old when I lost my father to suicide. I can tell you of the gripping shadow of grief that never truly lets go. It’s always there. Waiting to embrace you even when you least expect it. A day can start good but end badly because I have remembered that I lost my father to suicide.

It is this unexplainable feeling that brings to surface that we can opt out of life. Some call it sin, some mental health crisis then there are those my least favourite that call it a demonic possession. Suicide is opting out of life but what causes some people to take such a permanent solution to problems can be debatable. Some will call suicide making a permanent solution to temporary problems. But are the problems truly temporary? The idea that you can fix your problems therefore you are strong may be true today but will it be true tomorrow?

Life is hard. It can be a challenge. I believe that it can be harder for some than others. The moment you say this last statement, people look at you like you don’t understand how hard their lives are. Sometimes, this is laughable to me. There are some lives that are harder than others. To me, that is a matter of fact. But then there are those who from outside, seem to have it all but still commit suicide. It leaves you head-scratching. Being human is complicated. 

• Accumulated emotional pain

There are people who are on their last straw in life. Anything and everything that could go wrong in life, did. They are going through the motions of life but are numb to it. Like being born in a war zone, losing both parents at a young age then ending up living on the streets. Life is not fair. There are people who have been struggling from the day they were born. My father was one of those people. His parents were abusive, made him into a scapegoat and refused him to go to school. He did manage to go to school only after some members of the community intervened. He suffered greatly at the hands of his parents. Do we all heal from such tragedies? Every child deserves to be loved and childhood trauma changes brain chemistry.

• Severe depression

Mental health matters. But we live in a world where access to mental health is a luxury for most people. It’s expensive and if a person has to choose between bread and therapy, they will choose bread each and every time. Depression does carry a genetic component to it. But I would argue that some people are living depressing lives. Like, if they were not depressed, we would worry. We still encourage people to pull themselves by the bootstrap, to get it together. Depression makes everything seem hard and if society keeps mental health counselling and therapy as a luxury as it stands, I think more people will continue to opt out. We also have healthcare providers that seem to deny their patients’ depression. It can be difficult to be taken seriously especially for functional depressed patients. 

• Hopelessness

Keeping hope alive can be hard work. Sometimes you ask yourself existential crisis questions like, ‘What is the point?’ It can get depressing fast. Keeping hope demands us to find meaning in life. Or to do something you want and let that give meaning to life. When it’s between a rock and a hard place, people get foggy and might not see a way out. Some life issues get so overwhelming that people cannot bear it anymore. People lose hope and don’t see the reason to go on.

• Sometimes, selfishness – like a murder suicide

We all listen to news or read about a murder-suicide nearly every week. Unfortunately, it is usually with romantic couples. One of them loses it, or they are going through some divorce or misunderstanding and the grieved party decides that they would rather die but they will not be dying alone. It is a selfish kind of love. They kill themselves because they can’t face what they have done or they can’t stand the idea of their soon-to-be ex moving on from them. I know that most people don’t usually think about these kinds of suicide but it still is a suicide. Someone died at their own hands.

• Chronic illnesses

There are countries that have begun allowing chronically ill patients to end their lives. Canada’s MAID. It’s controversial and has a lot of ethical implications that no one can ignore. Some people have painful chronic illnesses that seem to get worse with age and time. 

My opinion is that suicide is not someone being weak. It is not an impulsive thing people just do. It takes a lot. There are some lonely souls out there in the world. They are not alone. No, they are married, have children, have good jobs and friends but they just feel lonely. It can be a sign of mental illness but sometimes, it’s because people suck. People have a way of minimizing other’s pain and shutting others down when they need help. The irony is that most people, if not all of us, think we are caring and good listeners but the truth is horrifying. When was the last time you truly listened to anyone? If someone wants to get deep in their feelings, can you allow them room to do so? Most people are uncomfortable with painful, ugly truths so they don’t listen.

Suicide is not personal to any family members, friends or communities. It’s just life that became unbearable. It can be avoided. But the truth is we live in a dog eat dog world and some people receive the bluntness of humanity’s terrible behaviour. Once you receive in your heart that it’s not personal, you begin to heal.