Favouritism in families

Favouritism in families is the most accepted thing in society. Parents should love all their children equally. But that’s not how that works, is it? Just ask the middle child in a family of three children. Many families know of the family’s favourite and the scapegoat or black sheep of the family. Parents rarely love their children equally. If you gave birth to it, you should love it. Psychology and social studies have come a long way and we know that we should do better. But the child’s favouritism is still persistent in families. Families have favourites.

Are you male or female at birth? Males are seen as the superior gender in most cultures. If you are not born the preferred gender, it can make your life hell. For example, if parents want to have a boy child after 3 girls but give birth to another girl child, they will take it out on the child. You lose favour because of your gender like you had control over it. 

Cultures and traditions play a big role when it comes to child favouritism. In certain cultures, a male child can do no wrong. Actually in most cultures of this world, a male child can do no wrong. A male child is seen as the heritage of the father’s legacy.The leader of the family no matter how dumb they are. The boys’ needs and wants are met first before the girls’ needs. It can show as girls doing all the household chores, while the boys sit around doing nothing. The daughters are expected to submit to their brothers.

Dr Gabor Mate explains it; children meet their parents at different stages of life, different circumstances and all have different experiences in childhood. A child born during a stressful time doesn’t have the same experiences as the child born during good times. That child will not have the same experience as the sibling born when the parent has a great job and feels healthy. Life circumstances of the parents or family as a whole determines the childhood experiences of each child. 

Most people believe that the youngest in the family are the favourites but that’s not what I have experienced. The youngest can be the favourite but it can be any child inside the birth order. Some parents favour the eldest, some the youngest. However, it can be any other child because it’s complicated and there are lot of moving parts.

A happy, easy-going child will be easier to nurture than a rebellious child. There is no question about that. But it always depends on the families. The families were being a bully, a sociopath, a psychopath is seen as the best thing ever, being a mild-mannered child can make you the least favourite. For example the movie Matildah. The boy child showed the same character as their father, therefore was seen as the favourite. 

The love gained or lost between the parents can make you favoured. This usually happens to children of divorce or polygamous marriages. The child from the most loved mother in a polygamous relationship, is the favourite. In the bible, David loved Bathsheba more than all his wives therefore he loved the child of that union more. That child was Solomon. It happened the same way for Jacob. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. When Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Joseph became Jacob and Rachel’s favourite child. In modern times polygamy is rare but divorces are plenty. What you will see is that the child of the wife or husband that they loved the most is the favourite and all the other children have to play catch up. 

Genesis 37:3-4 Jacob loved Joseph more than he did any of his other sons, because Joseph was born when Jacob was very old. Jacob had even given Joseph a fancy coat which showed that Joseph was his favourite son, and so Joseph's brothers hated him and would not be friendly to him.

Child favouritism is bad because the least favoured children lose out on love and opportunities. Most parents are not even aware that they are doing it. One child, the favourite, goes to the best schools and universities and the least favoured is sent to the worst schools. Some parents will argue that the favourite child is good at school but that’s not always true. The scapegoat child could be the most intelligent of their children but because she or he lost favour somehow, he/she is not sent to the best schools. 

No one feels more entitled than the brat of the family. The favoured child grows up being told yes all the time by their parents that being told no becomes a foreign principle. They grow up being told and shown that they are important, the VIP of human beings. They expect VIP treatment everywhere in life. These favoured children are kind of a nightmare to deal with. Entitlement is pride veiled as self importance. 

The parents have blind spots when they favour one child over other children. They start to believe that the favoured child is smarter, more able and greater than the other children which is never true. The scapegoat, black sheep child is most likely the best child in the home. Why? Because the black sheep challenges the parents’ way of doing things, they challenge everything and are rebellious which are characteristics which you actually need for a child that will inherit your legacy. Not the obedient child who goes with whatever you say, but the one who asks why. Not to mention that the less favoured children are treated badly even when they are right and haven’t done anything wrong. 

It is a dangerous game to favour one child over other children. A game of thrones competition will make the family toxic. It means that parents create a competitive, toxic, dysfunctional environment that causes the children to compete instead of loving each other. These are the families that will take each other to court for inheritance. There is no love lost between the children. 

The favoured child is hated by all the other children. They are favoured by the parents, get everything they want and all the opportunities so it makes sense that other children will be pissed off. No child asks to be born. If you only wanted one, then have one. The less favoured children can see that their parents don’t love them as much as their brother or sister. It causes them to be jealous and have righteous anger. Going back to the bible; Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because they hated him. Joseph was their father’s favourite. 

The least favoured children are neglected by their parents. Neglect is just the experience of what did not happen. The parents’ neglect is usually subtle. They didn’t come to that sports game, they were too busy for this and that. But in families where favouritism exists, the parents seem to not be too busy for the favourite child. The favourite child gets everything, the attention, love and care and all other children get crumbs. It is sad.